My entire life I spent obsessing about food. Most of my life, I have thought endlessly about being thin, fit, attractive; and believing that if I were all those things, people would love me!
I am not really sure why I have this thinking error, I suppose many people have the same thinking patterns. The older I get, the more I am aware that this belief is more and more common amongst our population, and even more prevalent in our children and youth. I believe I have had this thinking error as far back into my childhood as I can remember.
My childhood, I was chubby. Certainly not fat by today's standards, but chubby and soft. I was awkward and came from a large family with little means to buy fashionable clothing. I was youngest in my class and had issues of daydreaming and keeping focus in school Let's cut the the chase.....I was teased, tormented and basically alone for much of my primary school days.
One day in middle school, I realized I had a talent for running. I could run a long ways and faster than most my age. I formed a passion for running and all of a sudden, I started to become more attractive, more well-liked and I had friends! I imagine my thinking error became deeply implanted at that time.
I spent the remaining school years obsessing over my weight, running lots and eating little; except the times I gorged....which I did often, when I was alone and no one was watching. I gorged til I was so sick I felt like puking. I felt badly about my gorging, but, I just went out and ran more and starved myself more so I wouldn't gain weight.
Even with all the starving and working out, I was far larger than the other girls in my class. I was tall and large boned and often times, guys would moo at me and call me fat. I knew deep down that I wasn't fat....my hell, I could feel my hip bones protruding and my ribs were visible with no clothing on.
I definatly did not meet criteria to be overweight, but the standards of being a tiny size 5 was prevelant and I was lucky at my smallest to be an 10 or maybe an 8. I definatly had friends and boys liked me...well, the wrong kind of boys liked me most. The real popular ones went for the tiny short girls that could brandish a bikini and look amazing. I was merely a friend to most the guys, but I was well like by my peers...the thinner I got, the more liked I was. I would never go as far as stating that I was anorexic, however, I had already formed a hot and cold relationship with food, and I continued to become more severe in my obsessions with it.
 A young girl walked down a dead end street to a shortcut that lead to her local grocery store. It was a beautiful, warm spring day outside and she skipped along, feeling so happy and ready to spend the money in her pocket. As she skipped along, she allowed her mind to drift away into daydream land. She dreamed of candy, lots and lots of candy. Boxes and boxes of candy, delivered to her house, just for her. Oh how this little girl loved her sweets! She dreamed of winning a prize of a lifetime supply, enough that she could eat it all day long, every day. It was her dream, her obsession at such a young age. Her thoughts came back to her as she neared the door of the store. She headed right over to the candy isle, looked over the candy, counted her money and picked out several of the .25 cent snickers bars, a pack of sugary, grape bubble gum a bottle of soda pop and a roll of Mentos candy. She paid for her treats, walked home; taking her time and lingering in the neighbors’ field. She did not want to share with her siblings and so she ate every last bite of her snickers bars, eating them fast, so quickly, in fact, that she was unable to taste the sweet deliciousness of the bars. She just had to get the food in and feed her hunger and drive for the sugar. She washed down the snickers bars with her soda, threw away the signs of her purchase in the outside trash container and walked inside. She put her other candy and gum in her pocket for later and offered a piece to her little sister. The rest, she would hoard and consume on her own that afternoon. Not a trace would remain through the night to be enjoyed the next day. She felt sick to her stomach, but still feeling emptiness inside, she proceeded to eat dinner plus seconds, a couple glasses of milk and dessert. Her stomach was angry at her, but still, she ignored her physical signs of over eating. She left the table and went to daydream of a day that she could eat sugar all day, every day without anyone telling her she couldn’t.
 This was not a fictional situation........
This was me, at about the age of 9 or 10. I had this behavior or similar behaviors all of my childhood, over and over. Every time I got money in my pocket, I would go to the local grocery store or dime store and spend every cent on sugary food. Sometimes I bought salty junkie food like Cheetos, but my allowances were always spent on food of some sort. I don’t recall one instance actually wanting to purchase a toy or book or anything else, nor did I save my money. It was always gone the same day I got it with no trace or proof it had existed, except for the empty wrappers left behind in the trash outside, a tummy ache from overeating and a flabby soft body. I had a serious compulsion to over-eat, even as a young child.
My Compulsions were not restricted to things I bought....
I remember so vividly walking the 7 blocks home from school and dreaming of the scents that were sure to waft through the front doors as I opened them. My Mother often baked. She baked cookies, muffins, breads and other deliciousness several times a week. If I was really lucky, she would have fresh bread dough, cut in squares, ready for frying into yummy, melt- in- your- mouth scones. My heart would jump for joy on those occasions. I loved to take the scone; hot and fresh from the hot oil and slather it would butter and so much honey, that it would run onto my hands when I took a bite. Thinking about it, even now, years later, my mouth waters with the memory of the smell and taste. The memory is vivid in my mind and I am able to recall all the senses I had eating those yummy scones. My Mom would load up plates with yummy hot scones and I would eat them one after another until they were completely gone. This pattern was the same with cookies, cakes and treats of all kinds. I would eat and eat and gorge myself until there was no more.
I always felt a bit guilty, a lot overfull and ashamed of how much I ate. This never stopped my behavior though and it continued throughout my childhood and well into my adulthood.
I am nearly 38 years old, and yet, I feel as if life has passed me by. Yes, I have a family, a house, a dog and a job (two jobs actually) and I live a comfortable life. From the outside, I would appear to be fairly normal, doing the day to day grind to make a buck and taking the time to raise my family! On the inside, I feel very different though. I have nasty, ugly layers of fat that hold me back from living my life full of passion! I REALLY want to live a joyful life; where I am passionate about living, never letting a moment go by UN-noticed or UN-experienced. If I were to tap into ME, the REAL ME, I would find a fit person that loves to run, bike, participate in fun, athletic events; even grueling events that push the mind and body to its limits. I would have a career in the health arena where I could affect positive changes in others lives, and help them realize they can overcome their own trials. I would be a motivator, an inspiration. I would be happy, outgoing, UN-afraid to take risks and very energetic! I would be SUPER WOMAN!!! This is the real me...the inner me. This version of me really does exist. I have seen her around from time to time along my journey to fit! And when she is around....EVERYONE knows it! She is unmistakeably present and full of life! She is the life of the party, the go-to friend, full of endless energy. Light and warmth radiate from the core of her very being. Unfortunately, she doesn't stick around very long before the fat layers take back posession of my body and bury that vibrant lady under all its ugliness.
My struggle is REAL! My war with weight and to gain control of addictive eating behaviors are just as real to me, as a person that battles for their freedom from their oppressors across the seas. FAT IS MY OPPRESSOR!!! FOOD ADDICTIONs ARE MY OPPRESSORS! I wake up every day very aware of my battle. And sometimes, I just get plain tired of the battle and I throw my hands in the air and surrender to my appetites and strong genetic predispostions. The past year, has been one of those times.
One year ago, I weighed 60 pounds less than I do today. I had worked out fairly regularly for the couple years prior and felt like I could not EVER go back to my old ways. Then I got hit with a bout of sickness, depression and levels of stress from external events that put me over the edge. My workouts slowed, food intake increased, I started to feel the fat take back my life. I fought it for a few months, hanging on with a very small string. I would lose some ground, then take the ground back. I managed to wage an active battle for a while, then, it all got too much. Life started to pile more and more on me. Then...it broke....that tiny string I was holding onto broke. I did what I have done so many times before and tossed my hands in the air and surrendered to the power and debilitating effects of fat! I let it take me captive once again, and before long, the true me became enveloped and overcome by layers and layers of fat! One doughnut at a time, one missed workout at a time, one excuse at a time; and before long, I was gone! I was a mere shadow of me, a big fat, ugly shadow of my real self! I had once again became a prisoner to my own fat and my own fears or rejection because of that fat. I became depressed, withdrawn and I isolated myself from everyone, even those closest to me. I became so disgusted with who I allowed myself to become that I didn't want them to see me or judge me. I no longer felt worthy of being a good friend and my friends got pushed away, far away.
Well, today, I am declaring war again! I am taking back my life. I am so tired of being miserable and isolated! I miss me; my joyful, playful, fun me! I miss laughing, smiling, sharing my life with others. I miss my connections to others, my friendships, my family! I miss wanting to get out of bed everyday and being productive. I miss being able to put on my clothes and feel good in them. I miss feeling great, looking great, and being my vibrant self! Today...I am taking it back! I don't know exactly how or what I will do, or even how long it will take me, but I KNOW I am taking myself back. I will not be smothered any longer by this fat. I am declaring war, and this time....I WIN!!!
|
RSS Feed