Reposting from a much earlier Blog Post- Just for me to remember where this all started....Powerful words that I NEED to remember!
I am nearly 38 years old, and yet, I feel as if life has passed me by. Yes, I have a family, a house, a dog and a job (two jobs actually) and I live a comfortable life. From the outside, I would appear to be fairly normal, doing the day to day grind to make a buck and taking the time to raise my family! On the inside, I feel very different though. I have nasty, ugly layers of fat that hold me back from living my life full of passion! I REALLY want to live a joyful life; where I am passionate about living, never letting a moment go by UN-noticed or UN-experienced. If I were to tap into ME, the REAL ME, I would find a fit person that loves to run, bike, participate in fun, athletic events; even grueling events that push the mind and body to its limits. I would have a career in the health arena where I could affect positive changes in others lives, and help them realize they can overcome their own trials. I would be a motivator, an inspiration. I would be happy, outgoing, UN-afraid to take risks and very energetic! I would be SUPER WOMAN!!! This is the real me...the inner me. This version of me really does exist. I have seen her around from time to time along my journey to fit! And when she is around....EVERYONE knows it! She is unmistakeably present and full of life! She is the life of the party, the go-to friend, full of endless energy. Light and warmth radiate from the core of her very being. Unfortunately, she doesn't stick around very long before the fat layers take back posession of my body and bury that vibrant lady under all its ugliness.
My struggle is REAL! My war with weight and to gain control of addictive eating behaviors are just as real to me, as a person that battles for their freedom from their oppressors across the seas. FAT IS MY OPPRESSOR!!! FOOD ADDICTIONs ARE MY OPPRESSORS! I wake up every day very aware of my battle. And sometimes, I just get plain tired of the battle and I throw my hands in the air and surrender to my appetites and strong genetic predispostions. The past year, has been one of those times.
One year ago, I weighed 60 pounds less than I do today. I had worked out fairly regularly for the couple years prior and felt like I could not EVER go back to my old ways. Then I got hit with a bout of sickness, depression and levels of stress from external events that put me over the edge. My workouts slowed, food intake increased, I started to feel the fat take back my life. I fought it for a few months, hanging on with a very small string. I would lose some ground, then take the ground back. I managed to wage an active battle for a while, then, it all got too much. Life started to pile more and more on me. Then...it broke....that tiny string I was holding onto broke. I did what I have done so many times before and tossed my hands in the air and surrendered to the power and debilitating effects of fat! I let it take me captive once again, and before long, the true me became enveloped and overcome by layers and layers of fat! One doughnut at a time, one missed workout at a time, one excuse at a time; and before long, I was gone! I was a mere shadow of me, a big fat, ugly shadow of my real self! I had once again became a prisoner to my own fat and my own fears or rejection because of that fat. I became depressed, withdrawn and I isolated myself from everyone, even those closest to me. I became so disgusted with who I allowed myself to become that I didn't want them to see me or judge me. I no longer felt worthy of being a good friend and my friends got pushed away, far away.
Well, today, I am declaring war again! I am taking back my life. I am so tired of being miserable and isolated! I miss me; my joyful, playful, fun me! I miss laughing, smiling, sharing my life with others. I miss my connections to others, my friendships, my family! I miss wanting to get out of bed everyday and being productive. I miss being able to put on my clothes and feel good in them. I miss feeling great, looking great, and being my vibrant self! Today...I am taking it back! I don't know exactly how or what I will do, or even how long it will take me, but I KNOW I am taking myself back. I will not be smothered any longer by this fat. I am declaring war, and this time....I WIN!!!
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